I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
