You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
