When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
