i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
