??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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