Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
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Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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