I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
