I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
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who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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