It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
