she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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