Nicole vs. Life
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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