he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
