I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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