3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
