im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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