She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
