The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the condom got lost in my hair
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
