Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
