I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
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YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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