i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
