i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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