Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
