During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
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I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
There's even glitter on my cock...
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