It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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