anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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