Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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