Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
