I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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