I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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