I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
What drink are we having for lunch?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
