This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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