i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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