between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
