I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
