So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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