you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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