i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
