I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
