12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
