I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
