It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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