Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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