Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
