hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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