I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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