Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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