you guys were way drunker than both of me
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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