the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
