omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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