I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
