the condom got lost in my hair
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
