when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
