i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
