Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
