You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
