found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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