I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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