yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
