i just had sex bonerless
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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