Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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