My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm bleeding and have questions
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
