If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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